My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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