in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
