I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
