Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
