are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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