The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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