a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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