I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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