I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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