I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
