the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
