You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
