Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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