I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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