take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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