I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
