went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
