On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My nipple is on Facebook.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
