I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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