Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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