Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
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