Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
