I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
