I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
