that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
