U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
