Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She even gives head with a lisp.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
