I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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