Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
