I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
