I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
