I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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