Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
