he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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