She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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