just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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