I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
