I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Randomize
