He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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