I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
