just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
