I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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