Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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