if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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