nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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