Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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