Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
