You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
