the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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