You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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