The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
