If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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