im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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