Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
