Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
