the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
