I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
